|ABOVE: Gwyneth after consuming|
a non-organic soy latte.
Question: Do you want to see the new movie Contaigon?
Me: The movie looks a little grim to me, but I would pay $10 to see Gwyneth Paltrow die horribly.
Q: Because she's a bad actress?
Me: Because she's the new Martha Stewart, an amazingly smug out-of-touch millionaire. I'm sure your $500 coffeemaker works great...
Q: She talks about all that food, yet she's bulimic thin.
Me: If you had a full-time personal trainer, you too could eat 10,000 calories a day and stay thin...
Q: ...who also helps her with the vomiting.
Me: Don't be ridiculous, she has a separate person dedicated for that. You don't want your trainer holding your hair for you while you puke.
(Later I felt bad because Matt Damon, who I actually respect, plays her husband in the movie, and I hate to see fictional Matt Damon lose his fictional wife to bird flu...even if the wife is played by Gwyneth Paltrow.)
Gwyneth, previously on STUB HUBBY