August 31, 2011

Q&A: The Stub Hubby on Gwyneth Paltrow

ABOVE: Gwyneth after consuming
a non-organic soy latte.
Transcript of an actual conversation this weekend...
Question: Do you want to see the new movie ?
Me: The movie looks a little grim to me, but I would pay $10 to see Gwyneth Paltrow die horribly.
Q: Because she's a bad actress?
Me: Because she's the new Martha Stewart, an amazingly smug out-of-touch millionaire. I'm sure your $500 coffeemaker works great...
Q: She talks about all that food, yet she's bulimic thin.
Me: If you had a full-time personal trainer, you too could eat 10,000 calories a day and stay thin...
Q: ...who also helps her with the vomiting.
Me: Don't be ridiculous, she has a separate person dedicated for that. You don't want your trainer holding your hair for you while you puke.
(Later I felt bad because Matt Damon, who I actually respect, plays her husband in the movie, and I hate to see fictional Matt Damon lose his fictional wife to bird flu...even if the wife is played by Gwyneth Paltrow.)
Gwyneth, previously on STUB HUBBY

August 29, 2011

Fun Fact About A Movie I'm Not Going To See

Our Idiot Brother was directed by Jesse Peretz, the original bass player for The Lemonheads. I thought the trailer had an early 90s, post-punk power pop vibe...

August 27, 2011

Land of the Undead Movie Web Site

While writing a joke for my post about Rise of the Planet of the Apes, I Googled "deep blue sea" looking for a picture of Sam Jackson getting bitten in half by the shark. The first result simply said
and I immediately knew, based on the extra spaces between the letters, that this must be the original web site from 1999. I was not disappointed.
Visiting the site was like stepping back in time, to a more innocent era, before Y2K, when Windows 95 was preferable to Windows 98, when getting a free email account was still novel.
I am convinced that this site is still up and running --well, shambling along is more like it-- because no one still works at Warner Bros who remembers the login and password to edit the site.
Put on your spelunker's helmet and join me as I explore some of the relics. Or, if you're feeling adventurous, take a look for yourself. Just tell a friend where you're going in case you get lost...D E E P B L U E S E A
  • The home page lets you choose between the Full Site (requires Flash) or the "Lite Site" for you folks with dial up
  • The home page link for Warner Brothers Pay Per View is dead
  • The home page link for legal/privacy info link is dead. There is no law here! Anarchy rules!
  • The link to Deep Blue Sea message boards is dead
  • The link to DBS Web Cards is dead. I think "Web Cards" were kind of like those E-Cards you send to your wonderful aunt who still has an aol.com email address.
  • The interviews with director Renny Harlin (Die Hard 2, Cliffhanger) are available as streaming Realtime or downloadable Quicktime. Realtime is the work of the devil, and I don't have QT installed, so I don't dare click on them.
  • The soundtrack is available for purchase at CDNow.com CDNow.com is gone.
  • "Build your own Deep Blue Sea home page. Go to Acme City to pick up a bunch of free pictures and other items, and go to work. Best make it water-tight, though." I think this was an attempt to help you build your own fansite on Geocities or something: "Hopelessly Devoted To Deep Blue Sea"? I think we call that "viral marketing" now.. (ps that Acme City link is dead.)
  • Four of the six external links for fun facts about sharks still work!
  • What would happen to my 2011 Lenovo laptop if I downloaded and installed a 1999 screen saver from the movie Deep Blue Sea? I'm not going to find out.
Two more thoughts:
Samuel L. Jackson is like one of those kids' games where you take a bald head and add glasses, beards, random haircuts...
Saffron Burrows in a bikini.

NOTE: I'm sorry that the title of this post mixes two horror genres- the zombie movie with the shark movie, but the web site as zombie image fit the best, and now that I think about it, where are all the zombie shark movies? Do I have to all the thinking for you, Hollywood?

August 24, 2011

Premise Review: Rise of the Planet of the Apes

I'm breaking new ground on Stub Hubby. I'm not reviewing Rise of the Planet of the Apes (RotPotA.) I have not seen RotPotA. I'm reviewing the premise of RotPotA, based on what I've seen in the trailer. (the gorilla leaping into the helicopter is pretty badass, right?)

James Franco as a non-stoned scientist: Maybe I've seen Pineapple Express too many times, but I' having trouble picturing James Franco as a working professional of any kind. I keep expecting him to say "wait, what are we talking about?" then run into the woods.
Curing Alzheimer's Disease: The therapy used on the chimpanzee Caesar makes him super smart. Weren't the scientists in Deep Blue Sea trying to use super-smart sharks to develop a cure for Alzheimer's too? And how did that idea turn out for Samuel L. Jackson? I guess James Franco's scientist hasn't seen Deep Blue Sea, or does RotPotA exist in a parallel, yet eerily similar universe where the movie Deep Blue Sea was never made? (spooky music)
The End Game: This is why I'm not going to see this movie. There aren't enough primates in San Francisco to sucessfully "rise" to a whole Planet of the Apes. What's the outcome? Caesar magically synthesizes more magic gas, FedExes it to every zoo in America, a few more to Africa, and suddenly homo sapiens are on the run? Let's set our goals more realistically. Maybe the movie should be called Rise of the Neighborhood of the Apes, or Rise of the Bitchin Treehouse of the Apes. That's a movie I can get behind.

August 18, 2011

The Outsiders

Another August, another movie in the outdoors. Last year it was Better Off Dead. This summer, thanks to Somerville's SomerMovie Fest, it's Francis Ford Coppola's The Outsiders!
Our protagonists are the youngest teens in a gang of "greaser" juvenile delinquents: alpha dog Patrick Swayze, loose cannon Matt Dillon, and goofball Emilio Estevez. When Johnny (Ralph Macchio) kills a "soc" in self-defense to save Ponyboy's life (C. Thomas Howell), they go on the run, literally jumping a freight out of town. While Johnny and Ponyboy hide out and dare to dream of escaping their fate in a world where greasers have nowhere to go...oh, hell, I am struggling not to quote Springsteen lyrics here.
Just listen to "Born To Run" while reading Romeo & Juliet, and you've got the gist.

August 17, 2011

My 1983 In Review

My wife and I love many of the same movies, which makes all the more jarring when I admit I have never seen one of her favorites.

"How could you have never seen that movie?!" she'll ask me.

I usually point out the gender gap. "Of course I never saw Dirty Dancing. I was a 15 year old BOY when that came out." Then my wife gently teases me for growing up without cable TV. It's true: My wife has always had HBO, but I didn't have cable until I was 20.
This week we're seeing another movie which falls into the gap: The Outsiders, which apparently is a rite of passage for Gen X girls in the 1980s, but I have never seen it. Now our friends are piling on too, so I've bolstered my defense. What movies WAS I seeing back when The Outsiders came out? (NOTE: I was 11 years old in 1983.) I Googled "Top box office 1983" (The Outsiders ranks 28th).

Here's a sampling of 1983 movies I saw in the theater that year INSTEAD of The Outsiders, OR, movies I saw on TV/videotape in the following years.

August 11, 2011

133 Paradise by The "C"

  1. "Cissy Strut" The Meters (1969) The squeaky hi-hat pedal is practically it's own instrument!
  2. "Stranded In A Limousine" Paul Simon, a 'new' song from his Greatest Hits, etc. (1977)
  3. "Options" Gomez
  4. "Don't Play No Game That I Can't Win" Beastie Boys featuring Santigold this terrific song from Hot Sauce Committee Part Two is my nominee for Summer Song of 2011, but I think Lady Gaga's "Edge of Glory" may have edged them out.
  5. "Gimme All Your Lovin" ZZ Top
  6. "Rumour Has It" I didn't dream that Adele could equal the power of "Rolling in the Deep", but she did! I was blown away when I first heard this on the radio.The lyrics! drums! handclaps! backing vocals! Wow.
  7. "Hangman Jury" Aerosmith
    and
  8. "Barton Hollow" The Civil Wars, two swampy songs together.
  9. "I'm A King Bee" The Rolling Stones, as heard on the cop show Memphis Beat. A brief aside: Memphis Beat (starring Jason Lee as a Memphis PD detective by day, blues singer by night) is an old-school cop/detective show. It feels like an old Simon & Simon episode. But, they spend a lot of money on music clearances for bands like The Rolling Stones. Actually, now that I think of it, Jason Lee's last show, My Name Is Earl, had lots of brand-name rock music too.
  10. "Monday Monday" Matthew Sweet & Susanna Hoffs, or, as we sing it to our son: "Mango Mango"
  11. "If You Love Somebody (Set Them Free)" This William Orbit remix removes all of Sting's jazz trappings in favor of a synth-heavy dance groove. All of Brandford Marsalis's saxophone is gone.
  12. "Just Another Night" I heard this Ian Hunter song, from his LP You're Never Alone With A Schizophrenic, and thought it sounded like a Bruce Springsteen song. Turns out I'm half right: the recording features Roy Bittan (keyboards) Garry Tallent (bass) and Max Weinberg (drums) from the E Street band.
  13. "Freeway of Love" [Extended Remix] Aretha Franklin featuring Clarence Clemons - One of Clarence's best guest spots.
  14. "Did It In A Minute" Daryl Hall & John Oates - the arrangement is a little overcomplicated, but the hook is solid. Maybe their biggest hit which didn't make it onto the 1983 Rock N Soul Pt 1 which I listened to 1,000,000 times as a teenager.I heard this song for the first time when I took their LP Private Eyes (1981) out of the Topsfield Town Library. Yes kids, these things HAPPENED.
  15. "If I Can't Change Your Mind" (Solo Mix) Sugar - This is one of my favorite songs of the 1990s, so when it was selected for the Onion A/V Club's Undercover series, I was excited. The A/V Club invites bands to visit their office a cover a song from a pre-selected list. Somehow, Bob Mould visited and covered his own Sugar song, then, the Decemberists visited and covered it too. Since I can't buy these songs on MP3, I've added the solo mix of "If I Can't Change Your Mind" to my mix-- the B-side which singer Colin Meloy cites as his favorite.
  16. "I Might" Wilco, the first single from their upcoming album The Whole Love
  17. "China Grove" [live at the Greek Theater 1982] The Doobie Brothers
  18. "Paradise By The "C" [live at the Roxy] Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band 
The Big Man 1942-2011